Let's Talk Domestic Violence: Sometime a Man Fi Get Kuff

The Ray Rice video has talking heads around the country bobbing up and down, mouths flapping saying very little. Blogs, Twitter, Facebook, Google + and other places are full of people saying the usual things regardless of their actual accuracy. I've written about this subject in other spaces but I'm going to put it here.

First, let me get this little piece out of the way. Usually when I discuss this topic I get the inevitable: "Have you hit a woman?" "Have you hit a woman and are doing this to make up for it?" And "Have you hit a woman and are in denial about how wrong it was?"

Let me answer these questions before moving onto the meat of this post:

I have not hit a woman. Therefore I am not trying to make up for it nor am I in denial.

Why do I speak on the topic in the way that I do? Because I care about the health and welfare of men and women. I believe that the only way to do so is to be dead serious about domestic violence. No pandering to any party. No excuse making for any party. No treating any party as if they were children. With that lets get to the real deal issue.

Who commits domestic violence?

If you watch the talking heads, or the twitter experts you will be told that domestic violence is men hitting women. This is completely and utterly false. In order to seriously deal with domestic violence we must strike down this particular falsehood.

The July 14,2009 edition of the Washington Times features the following:

Yet more than 200 studies have found that women initiate at least as much violence against their male partners as vice versa. Men account for about a third of domestic-violence injuries and deaths. Research shows women often compensate for their lack of physical strength by employing weapons and the element of surprise — just as Miss Kazemi is thought to have done.

At least as much?

The most recent large-scale study of domestic violence was conducted by Harvard researchers and published in the American Journal of Public Health. The study, which surveyed 11,000 men and women, found that, according to both men’s and women’s accounts, 50 percent of the violence in their relationships was reciprocal (involving both parties). In those cases, the women were more likely to have been the first to strike. Moreover, when the violence was one-sided, both women and men said women were the perpetrators about 70 percent of the time.

For those who have issues with reading comprehension, let me highlight the important parts:

1) Men account for 1/3 of domestic violence injuries and deaths. When was the last time you heard this from any of the talking heads you listen to?

2) 50% of reported domestic violence is reciprocal. This was illustrated in the Rice video. They were engaged in reciprocal violence.

3) In 70% of single sided violence, women were the perpetrators. For the hard of reading this is when men stand around, or sit around, or lay around and allow themselves to be hit.

Now someone is saying to themselves, this is a news report not the actual report. Where's the actual data? NO problem you can read the actual report here: http://ajph.aphapublications.org/doi/abs/10.2105/AJPH.2005.079020 Therefore anyone who speaks on domestic violence as a one way male perpetrator and female victim is a liar. A dirty, low down, enabler of domestic violence LIAR.

There's another question we have to ask given the above statistics: Why, if there are so many women committing domestic violence, are men the ones overwhelmingly represented in arrests and convictions of domestic violence?

There is a clear answer for this: Male domestic violence victims are routinely ignored by society. Male domestic violence victims are routinely not believed by police. And most importantly, male domestic violence victims, when acting to protect themselves from further violence by attempting to restrain the perpetrator may injure the perpetrator and therefore be arrested as the initiator of domestic violence.

Oh. You want proof of this? Here you go:

(Andrews et al., 2000; Armstrong, Wernke, Medina, & Schafer, 2002; Caetano et al., 2002; Cunradi, Bersamin, & Ames, 2008; Perry & Fromuth, 2005; Schafer, Caetano, & Clark, 1998). For example, Caetano and colleagues (2002) found that 42% of white females reported perpetrating IPV while only 19% of their white male victims reported this perpetration.

Men underreport by at least 50% the rate that they are victimized. And these are white men, possibly the largest pussified group of men in America. Can you imagine what more "macho" men are hiding?

The next question that follows this is: Why is this the case?

Society is of the opinion that women are allowed to strike men. Men are supposed to allow themselves to be assaulted by women. Men feel that they have to lie to the police to prevent the women who strike them, usually women they are romantically involved with, from going to jail, because no man wants to be "that dude" who sent his wife/girlfriend to jail.

Don't believe me? Here's some proof of this mentality: Here's The Good Men Project [sic] article on why males should "man up" and excuse domestic violence directed at him:

She may scream, punch, take advantage or just quietly manipulate you. The stereotype may be used against you by being told to provide or take care of needs; making you feel guilty, ashamed and less of a man—but please don’t feel this way.

It may have nothing to do with you or maybe you did do something to provoke; either way how do you handle the attack? [My emphasis]

Maybe I did what? This from a so called "feminist" site that is presumably anti-domestic violence? I wonder, did anyone after watching Ray Rice throw his punch ask others "hmmm..I wonder what she did to provoke him?" How about it? What exactly did the soon to be Mrs. Rice do to deserve getting hit? Maybe she called him a name he didn't appreciate. Maybe she flirted with some guy and he caught her. After all according to folks who engage in World Star Hip Hop such a thing is HEE-larious when a woman does it

No. If you asked that silly question, you got drawn and quartered by the Twitter experts.FaceBook experts and if you're lucky Huffington Post experts. But a feminist decided that it was a good idea to write "maybe you did something to provoke?"

Since when is "provocation" (other than self-defense, I'll get to that in a bit) an excuse to initiate domestic violence?

Oh but it's not only the Good Man Project [sic]. Men's Health magazine gets into the act:

Front and center. What is the unmistakeable message being sent here? If a man so much as says something to you (a woman) that "pisses you off", you have the right to slap him AND he should EXPECT that!

What. The. Entire. Fuck?

How is this picture in any way, shape or form acceptable?

Men's Health sees no problem with the idea that mere words from a man is worth getting slapped in the face? That men need to "watch their mouths" lest they get a kuff! to the mouth?

See, I used to think that song was cute. I didn't know better. I do now. But an entire generation (or two) of black boys and girls, mainly of West Indian descent grew up listening to this very song. Imagine that. Teaching young girls that sometimes you need to lay hands on your man because HE NEEDS IT!

And then we wonder why there are men out there who are of the attitude "fuck that" and take to hitting first.

But back to Men's Health. The image is a stock photo from Think Stock Photos. When you do a search for "man hitting woman" you get 3 pictures on the first set of women in the act of hitting a man. Either with hand up or having completed a hit. The actual photos of "man hitting woman" aren't anywhere near as graphic. You have a woman on the ground with a man with a belt or a balled fist. But no clear cut kuff to the face. You have to go to page three to get actual "man hitting woman" pictures. But you'll find plenty of woman hitting man without even searching for it. And for good measure Getty Images will pop up with an advert like this:

I tell you. Anyone who says that society finds it "unacceptable" that a woman can hit a man for whatever reason comes to mind, is a straight up liar. And if those persons think that this pervasive permissiveness of female physical assaults on men does not inform the Ray Rice's of the world, they are total idiots.

But that's not all. I posted a piece called the Gender Bullshit Report on my other blog where I documented many instances of commercial use of domestic violence to sell product!!!.

Would anyone think that the following would be appropriate*?

*Note: None of the brand owners have endorsed these images. They are for educational purposes and in no way, shape or form imply that the companies condone any form of domestic violence.

If it is NOT OK to depict women being hit by men in their lives to push product then why did FIAT get away with it? Why did Campbell the company behind V8 get away with multiple commercials depicting men being hit by their wives or girlfriends because they made "poor eating choices"?

And before you try to wave this off, let me remind you, 50% of domestic violence is reciprocal and 70% of one way domestic violence is done by women. So it is NOT an exaggeration to say that there are women internalizing these messages that it is OK to strike men.

This is NOT acceptable.

Why was it OK for KFC to release a commercial where a man is hit by a woman? To sell CHICKEN? (*note: the owner of the video decided to make the video private)

Frame grab for posterity.

Mind you KFC got heat for that and stopped running the commercial but where was the media? Where were all these people who are suddenly so concerned with Ray Rice and his now wife?

I've been at this for a long time. This isn't some recent thing. I've BEEN talking about this issue. I'm supposed to be impressed by folks tooting their horns now about Ray?

And since we are talking about black folks the prior report also had this little piece

Race/ethnic specific estimates suggest that African American and Hispanic women report higher rates of IPV perpetration compared to Caucasian women. A nationally-representative survey found the prevalence of female perpetrated IPV to be 30.0% among African-Americans, 21.0% among Hispanic, and 16.0% among Caucasian women (Caetano, Schafer, & Cunradi, 2001; Caetano, Cunradi, Schafer, & Clark, 2000; Cunradi, Caetano, Clark, & Schafer, 1999). [my emphasis]

That is out of the class of women that initiate IPV (that's Domestic violence to you and me), Black women are the most likely, to do so with white women in the Caboose of this sad train. I'm certain that some chicken head reading this will now start talking some "anti-black woman" bullshit in order to deny the "nationally representative survey" because obviously she knows better than the researchers. Just like everyone else with an internet connection. But lets examine one of these women:

Not too long ago Solange Knowles was caught on video attempting to assault Jay-Z. Lets think for a minute how that couldhave gone down had the body guard not intervened or even been present. But lets look at how the press, currently aghast at the work of Ray Rice had to say about Solange's attempt at domestic violence.

Here's the Daily News:

Solange is so far beyond "that thing" that happened in that elevator.

Oh.

I'm sure Ray Rice and his wife were "far beyond 'that thing' " in the elevator too.

But you know everyone else in America needs to be able to put their two cents in. After all Ray Rice's business is YOUR business as well.

Jay and Solange each assume their share of responsibility for what has occurred. They both acknowledge their role in this private matter that has played out in the public. They both have apologized to each other and we have moved forward as a united family."

Oh. And Ray Rice's wife "took responsibility" for her part in the "private matter'. They "apologized to each other" too. Doesn't seem to matter though. Isn't domestic violence, domestic violence regardless? If so, Why did Solange get the vagina pass?

Solange stuns on the cover of Lucky magazine's August issue in a white and mint casual outfit, and also dishes about her music and personal style.

Wait! The edition was still released? Why wasn't it removed like Ray Rice's jersey? Isn't domestic violence, regardless of who initiates it, WRONG? Oh right:

But wait, there is more:

HK: I don’t know if it’s true, but I’m going to put it out there anyway. In a situation like this, I think of me and my own sister, so if we were in the elevator with my husband and my sister started lunging at my husband, my instinct would be to jump in between them — unless I was in agreement with whatever my sister believed.[ [My italics]

So here is a writer for the Daily News, a media outlet currently frothing at the mouth about Ray Rice, saying that if her husband was being abused by a family member (that would be domestic violence), that so long as she agreed with the reason He was being beat up for, she would be OK with it. How is this acceptable? How does the NY Daily News reconcile this bile with it's current coverage of Rice. Oh wait.

Here'sOne more Daily News item:

From watching the video online, I can say Solange is feisty. She’s really feisty.

I would definitely say she did pretty good for someone wearing heels and being held back.

There’s no doubt she can defend herself. I’d give her a 6, maybe even a 7. She would do better in flats and without being restrained, I think.

I can see she definitely did one kick that was a professional move — it’s called a front kick or a push kick.

She’s definitely taken some classes, either self-defense or maybe done some martial arts in workout classes. I can see one kick that she landed that looked really good.

The punching? That needs some work. I’m seeing more open-handed slapping than punching.

Lets disregards the obvious, which is that Solange was not defending herself from anyone. Lets disregard that Jay-Z was the victim here. Can you imagine this guy saying: "Ray showed good form. Good straight punch. straight to the head to stop the threat. Knocked out his opponent in one blow. This is how you deal with threats to your person." Can you imagine that? No? Then why did the Daily News think it was appropriate to have an article complimenting the finer details on Solanges assault?

I could go on. Really. But I'm not because I've provided enough clear evidence as to the real deal regarding domestic violence. So let me close with the one and only principled stand on the subject:

1) All parties are obligated to keep their hands to themselves unless it is in self-defense.

2) Retaliatory violence is not self-defense.

3) If they hit you once, they will do so again. Leave the relationship as soon as possible after the very first hand raise. A person who raises their hand to you is already showing that they have a tenuous grasp on their self control. Do not wait around for that grasp to fully fail.

4) Men: You are not obligated to allow yourself to be hit, either empty hand or not. You have a right to deflect any blow headed your way. You have the right to prevent any further blows from landing on your person.

5) If you find yourself in an relationship with violence that you cannot for whatever reason immediately leave, ALWAYS BE RECORDING. Invest in a recording app for your phone, buy a cheap audio recorder and anytime there is a conflict or pending conflict (such as raised voice) turn that shit on. You need evidence of your "non-initiating" of violence to establish a self-defense claim.

6) Men: Do not let any woman get away with hitting you. Call the police and have her arrested and processed. This is the only way to have the criminal stats catch up with the actual incidences of female initiated violence. Buy failing to report this criminal act on your person you are assisting in the continued misconception that women do not commit, or only commit small amounts of domestic violence.

7) Women: You have no social right to put your hands feet or object on a man for any reason short of self-defense. A "real" man will not tolerate this behavior from you. A just society will not tolerate this behavior from you. If you wish to be treated as an equal under the law, then it is high time you get control of your arms and feet and emotions and act like the adult you wish to be considered to be.

Bottom line: Keep your hands to yourself except for self-defense.

Lets call these spades spades. Most of the people running their mouths about domestic violence don't give a shit about domestic violence. If they were actually serious about domestic violence they would have pointed out all the things that I laid out here. It would be front and center.

Most of these people talking are saying what they are saying because they are afraid to be that guy or that girl "defending an abuser". Fact is that telling the truth is not defending the abuser. Telling the truth prevents future incidences of domestic violence.

1400 girls were raped in England because the authorities didn't want to seem "racist". How may men and women will be beaten (to any extend) because the majority of the fools out there don't want to seem "sexist" or "supportive of abusers"?

Enough of the bullshit. Tell the truth and shame the liars and abusers!