Thursday, March 20, 2014
About That Noah Movie
I used to watch The Ten Commandments every year. I looked forward to seeing that movie. Especially that whole wall of water and all the drowning Egyptians. And who could forget the talking burning bush and the fire blasted tablets of the 10 commandments. Then I got wise to the wholesale robbery of ancient Egyptian theology that was actually the source of the great Moses story and lost interest in watching that particular piece of fiction. Since today is the day of the hanging of the sun (god) on the cross (equator), I figured I'd weight in on the latest piece of fiction from Hollywood: Noah. There are a few scientific facts that we have to discuss in order to understand why Noah is a complete white washing of anything that could remotely be possible with Noah. First is that White people, AKA Caucasians are a genetic recessive population. Their skin color is a result of a form of albinism that was favored in the northern climate where there was little sunlight and vitamin D fortified milk had not been invented yet. Similarly the narrow noses were a favored adaptation to the cold of the northern climes as it provided a means of warming cold air before entering the body better than the relatively flat nose of the African. But the most important thing to understand is that Black skin comes first for the human and all others are derived from it. Strictly speaking you do not get the African from the European but you get the European from the African. It's a long explanation which I won't get into here. If you're that interested in it, you can visit your local, honest evolutionary biologist. Emphasis on honest. With that in mind we enter the Noah story. From the Bible we are to believe that the flood killed everything that was not on the ark. Humans, animals, everything. Dead. That would mean that whoever was on the Ark would be the new Adam and Eve (I know...just go with it). Noah's family would necessarily be the progenitors of the new humanity. Well if that is the case how could Russell Crow be Noah? No, seriously. White folks can't make black folks. Noah couldn't be a Caucasian. His wife couldn't be Caucasian. Because if either one of them was, there would be none of the blackest of the black people on the planet. it is simply a genetic impossibility... well no, highly, highly, highly improbable. And no, no English accents either. Let's be clear Noah's wife should have been, oh, Lupita. And maybe, maybe Henry Lennix as Noah. Of course, if they did do that, millions of white people would be unable to identify with the character for the same reason the Middle Eastern "skin like burnt bronze" Jesus happens to look like a "surfer dude" with blue eyes in the recent Jesus movie to cause much weeping in theaters.
a more accurate Noah
Noah's wife better portrayed by her
Yes, pick your mouth off the floor. Don't hate me, hate the genetics of it all.
But Hollyweird is like that. I constantly see movies, TV shows and commercials with families that are impossible to create. Wither it be politically correctness, wishful thinking or a "you know we can't sell this with THOSE folks starring", Black folks get cut out of stories that should have them front and center. Or if it "our" presence must be there, then get the most ambiguously "black" person you can find. One Drop Rule to the rescue. Duly excepted: Fat black women. Whenever they are needed or called for, they can find the blackest and fattest one. For real though, how often do you see a light skinned mammy?
Let Hollywood tell it, there are few fat white women and even fewer mixed ones. I guess Lupita got the call because Solomon was pretty clear about what she looked like. But back to Noah.
If you actually adhere to that bible story, well I suppose you can overlook this one rather obvious flaw, Kinda like I had to stop from hurling every time I watched Thor (all due respect to Idriss). But if you're like me and recognize the only sun being crucified is that yellow one in the sky today perhaps you should demand that these folks at least make an attempt to make it believable. I do hope there are no domesticated cats or dogs on that Ark cause then we're dealing with time travel too! Cats from the future in the ark!! Now that would be an interesting twist.